Heartsong

"Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks"

Have you ever had a song of joy overtake you? You reach a moment where you are full-to-overflowing with God's goodness and the realization of His vast blessing and love. You get to the point where you want to do nothing but praise Him. You feel like you can just SEE.
The moments like that are so precious to me. The moments of clarity and focus are amazing.

But then there are the days when you feel far away. You don't have that same spiritual high.
For a while, I thought that, as a child of God, that I should always be exuberant and full of excitement over God's blessing. I thought that I should always hear from Him, and that I should always feel so close to His throne.

Not true. There comes times when it feels like God is silent. There comes times when one feels directionless and unsure. There comes times when there is... fog.

I think the times of "silence" can come from sin or breakage of fellowship with God, for sure, but I think that they can also be times of testing: trust God implicitly, or go ahead with my own plans?

I had a time of not hearing from God. I don't know if you have been through that, but when you are seeking His direction, and the options seem foggy, it's tough.

This winter, I really wanted to serve God overseas in the spring semester. I feel like the experience would majorly grow me and shape me into a better servant.
I prayed that a door would open, and I knocked on some doors.

There were moments when I thought I could see the light, and I felt like God was showing the way.

When I had emailed Melli Johnson in Burundi, I felt very very strongly that Africa was the right direction. I can't really explain it, (and while I get annoyed when people say that they "just knew"), I have to say that I just knew that was where God wanted me. It was as if there was a magnetic pull. If there had been a "where-I-feel-drawn detector", and I waved it over the earth, it would have gone bezerk when I passed over Burundi.

Well, over Christmas break, some people and circumstances made me look at the realities of travel to Africa. They reminded me of the danger, the turmoil, the fact that I'm a super-white girl...

I had a few other discouragements. I was disappointed that the door I had felt so sure of was closing.
I trusted that God knew what was best and prayed for guidance. I felt like my direction was foggy.

But it wasn't a closed door!!
Not really. 

It was a lesson in trusting.

After prayer, and seeking, and giving it all up to God, after a month, I finally knew the answer.

The fog was lifted and I KNEW that Africa was where I was called.

Now that I am preparing, I remind myself that it is NOT about me. It is NOT about anything I can bring to the table at all.

It is all about God and how He can use me. I want to be utterly and irrevocably His servant. I want to love deeply and remember that everything I do is for the sake of Christ. I am but clay in His hands. He protects, prepares, and provides.

I forget so easily what Jesus has done for me to make me his own. I forget that sin isn't something to be glossed over.

I want the overflow of my heart to show where my true love lies.