Of nerves and singing

I used to be not big on the whole "get on a stage" thing.
Public speaking? It gave me (and sometimes still gives me) the jitters.

In my thinking, stages were things to be of which to be frightened (just a healthy fear, you know)

If it's a character I'm portraying in a play or skit, let me at it! I love acting on stages. If I'm supposed to be a goofball? I'm sooo good at that.

But if it's me, no facade, up on a stage, I used to have a hard time.
Whenever I do get the chance to be on a stage as myself...well...I'm just not a fan. I'd get jittery and shaky. My hands got cold and my face gets warm.
Usually the chances I've had to be onstage as myself have been in the capacity of singing.

Which so happens to be another thing I'm not very confident in.

How do I go through with it?
The secret is faith.
When I'm relying on God, I find that I actually don't mind it (the singing and the being on stage).

God says he's with me, always, even when I feel like I'm on display for all the world to see. (ESPECIALLY then.)

I find that I can chillax in the realization that it's all for His glory.
No stress in that!
I'm not up there for me. I'm not up there to be judged.
I'm up there because I want to worship God.
When I finally get that fact into my noggin, most of the nerves vanish. I'm all right.
It's pretty much awesome how it works.

The same thing has happened before. At camp last summer, I was asked to lead the worship music.  I agreed, because I had done it before, and I really do like that sort of thing, but it still wigged me out. I was supposed to go up there by myself and lead worship. Before it had been a group.
Oh boy.

I'm not a confident singer when I feel self-conscious.

After a load of prayer and practice, the camp week came.
Then it was time for the opening evening service.
Oh boy.
I got on stage.
I talked to the campers, we had announcements.
We sang songs of worship to God together.
And that was all.
It was that simple.

It was an awesome feeling. Not because I was on a stage, not because I wasn't messing up (oh man, there were some flubs) but because, we were all praising God.

I wasn't thinking about me.


That experience totally built my faith up. If I had been up there in my own ability, I would have been a wreck. But when I trusted that it would be ok because it was for God, it went fantastically smooth.

Sounds a little hokey, but seriously, getting that privilege to lead worship was awesome. It seems like God takes the things that one feels insufficient in, and uses them.
Just so I can't say, "look, I'm really great! I have so much talent, right?"

Rather so I can say, "WOW, look at what God can do if you just trust and rely on him to carry you!"

God has given me God-confidence, and now (so long as I'm keeping it real and not letting my ego explode) I'm not so very frightened of the stage.

And that's all I have to say about that right now.

Cohesion? Not Happening.

I cannot write a coherent post.
A Word Of Advice:
If you're feeling even slightly off physically, DO NOT GO FOR A 6 1/2 mile run. Particularly if the last mile of that run is in the spitting rain. Not that I speak from experience or anything... 

I also can't really speak audibly.
When I get sick, I complain about it.
Well, at least to my blog I do. I'm going to be a crotchety old woman, I can tell...


A good post is just not happening. I feel a strange mix of tiredness and pent-up energy. I don't understand it.
I have been so braindead today. You wouldn't believe the number of airheaded things I've done. No, I'm not telling them. But just know that I shouldn't mess with a stove when I don't feel good.


Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.
In the meantime, I'll keep practicing my guitar. (Crazy On You is going to be mastered. Soon I'll be a rocker, just you wait)

stress

Wow. There is so much on my mind. You don't need to know all of that stuff though. It'd bore and potentially confuse you (if it's not making sense to me, then I doubt it'll make sense to you. Case in point, I woke up this morning with 80's tunes on the brain, playing rather loudly.)
***
First of all, I should say that I'm (somewhat sucessfully) combatting my tendency to stress-out.
Stress out? Me? Never in a million years! 
It's a sad but true fact. If I have something for which I do not feel totally prepared thrust upon me, I usually freak-out-ever-so-slightly. I like to think that I'm good at projecting an image of confidence and lack of concern for the fact that I'm insufficient (ha!), but on the inside, I'm jittery as a bug.

I'm usually pretty chill, in fact, I'm good with bending most silly rules (other than the hard and fast ones...like, no killing other people and stealing is bad, etc) the rules like, "dessert must be saved for after dinner", are the kind I'm good at breaking.

Super-structure isn't really my thing.

But back to what I was saying. How have I improved (ever-so-slightly)?

Might as well SING

Singing makes everything fun.
Until you get on someone's nerves. Luckily for me, that did not happen today (the getting on the nerves part)
I did get to sing. I belted out notes. FUN.

Strumming the guitar + singing = super fun.

I aim to be the next Dolly Parton.  I think "country" could be my niche.
{If you've heard me sing, you know this is all conjecture. Please let me have my delusions...}

I am SO good with the country persona. I just love poofy hair, and I've grown up with the music. I've got the singing patterns down, darlin.
I even
(wait for it)
have a cowgirl hat.

Though I try to deny it sometimes, I'm truly a southern girl.

If you know me, it's pretty blatant. *wink*

I favor charm and hospitality. Always be polite. If my momma has taught me anything, it's civility towards others EVEN if they so happen to cut me in line. {I smile and politely tell them off.}

After visiting other areas of the country, I've realized how kind southerners are in comparison to the rest of the nation. There is some sort of unsaid code of the South that everyone {for the most part} understands.
I think in the old days it was called "manners", "courtesy" or "civility". Somehow it's been lost.
I don't know what's happened, but I do know (and this is a trick of the trade) that you'll always catch more flies with honey.

[not that I want to attract flies per se. It's a metaphor...but you aren't a literalist like me, so you don't need that explained...]


I'm no redneck, but living in the south sure has shaped me.

A few of my good friends growing up were YANKEES, so that helped to nullify some of the southernness and made me a more "well-rounded" individual. I also picked up on their funny accent.

Know what? [Prepare for another factoid about me]

I used to DETEST the southern accent.

Such an odd thing. It's like I'm denying my heritage. For shame, I could blend right in if need be. I prefer not to use that special skill.

Hey, there's an idea for a dire circumstance.
If ever I'm running from the law, I'll find me a nice place out in the country {with a couple coon dogs thrown in}. I could work at wall-mark. I'd hand out stickers. {Not that there's anything wrong with that}
I know the culture, like it or not.

Even BETTER, I could be a translator for the southern-speakers. The everyday people of the south can talk to the everyday people of everywhere else.

 I found my job niche. I didn't even have to go to college!


I was talking with an older couple (obviously southern) in a rural Bojangles (best. southern fast food. ever.) and they asked if I was from up North. The older gentleman said that I talked fancy.
Me?!? Talk funny?!? Never.

AND THEN, someone else (at a different place and time) said that my southern accent must be fake, because it "didn't fit with my personality" or something like that.
LIBEL. He didn't know any better, bless his heart.

Ladies and Gentleman, my accent is FOR REAL. It comes naturally.
You'd better believe it. After spending a week in a more rural southern area, my accent comes out strong.

I have been speaking with more southern intonations lately. It's becoming a habit.
I think it's fun. I can randomly say phrases like, "bless your heart" or "now listen" into my everyday speaking.

Sometimes I throw in some British. Not in with the Southern though. Ewww.

(The British Accent Collection is a work in progress. I was happy to get some feedback from real live people actually from the UK. It was exciting.)

Naturally, I speak with pretty much a broad "accentless" accent. The one that comes with living in an urban area...

One of my life goals is becoming a master of seeming indigenous.
Not to become a wall-flower or to be weird, but just to be fun.
It's like a personal sociology project or something...

I love studying people and their mannerisms to create characters for sketches or entertainment.

That's not weird is it?

Phobia?

I have a fear of writing papers.
Rather, I dread it.


Yet, somehow I have a blog.

This I do not understand.
............

On another note, I was quite loved at yesterday night's kids club. My church has started one that meets on Wednesdays. We pick up kids from the nearby apartment complexes, feed them dinner, teach them Bible lessons, then help with homework or create crafts.

...I was like a human loungechair...it was fun.

But really, it is a rewarding task, hanging out and establishing relationships with these kids.
They are hungry for attention, and I am more than happy to oblige; listening to their stories and giving piggy back rides.

.........
Right now,
I am loving the
acoustic, indie, singer-songwriter, chill sound.

A few months ago, I was obsessed with the Rat Pack and Michael Bublé.
I had my Beatles fetish. You think those girls in the 60's had Beatle-mania?
Well, they had nothing on me.


But now, I am "in like" with soothing strains.

It'll change soon.
I'm always on the prowl for new sounds.
Let me know if you would suggest anything positively ah-mazing.

.........

As far as academia goes...

Geometry is teaching me to become the mistress of the OBVIOUS.
When I'm working the problems, I feel like I'm being too simple.

See, I skipped geometry, did algebra I & II and then Precalculus.
In order to round out my high-school transcript I have to get in my Geometry credit.

To put it simply, I don't like it.

(It is way better than Physics, so I won't complain too much.)

............
I'm starting a trend.

My right hand has long fingernails. (which I DO keep groomed)

In sharp contrast, my left hand has short nubby nails. (since you can't push down on a fretboard with fingernails in the way.)

I've picked up playing the guitar again.  It is a beautiful instrument. One of the best sounds.
NOTE: I am not meaning to say that that my playing is one of the best sounds, but that the instrument itself has some amazing sounds.

I've learned that my fingernails are the best for finger-picking songs. Much better than metal claws.

So, I have strange looking hands.

It'll catch on. 

............


Believe it or not,
I'm an honor student. 


I'm a geek and proud of it. 


I'm going to be re-inducted into the eta sigma alpha xi zeta chapter tonight...
I need to be there so I can socialize with smart people, and maybe they'll rub off on me.