Taking Inventory

The semester has culminated in a finale of sicknesses, each building on the next until the final diagnosis Friday afternoon:
Mononucleosis. 

Mono has no magic pill to take to get better. I am on steriods and antihistamines for allergies, but they don't directly fight mono, they're just helping with seasonal allergies and easing the symptoms.

The only cure for mono is to drink fluids, eat healthily, and rest.

The way it has been working is that I'll feel fine and have a mini-energy surge and start to be productive. A few minutes later I feel like falling over wherever I am and falling asleep.

The past few months have been a whirlwind of work I've gotten swept up into. I've been acting as if my energy bank has boundless credit (and that I'd never have to pay/face the bill)

Looking back, I'm not sure how I juggled all that I did.

This post isn't to self-congratulate, by no means. Rather I hope it'll serve as a reminder to myself in the future.

I admit I've been pushing myself hard.

I've somehow found ways to be completely and utterly busy since January. Like, every minute of the day, something to do.

Friends and family warned me to slow down.

I kept going.

I burnt the candle at both ends, so to speak. This makes for a brighter flame, but why have two flames when one will do?
It's wasteful.

...it's also terribly hard to hold a candle burning at both ends anyways.

My days this semester would usually start at 7 am, and I wouldn't typically get home until 10:30 or 11 pm. I usually didn't have much of a food break during the day either...I didn't eat with healthy regularity.

All of this came together in the perfect storm.

Early in March I came down with the flu.
I was out of commission for a week, but as soon as I was fever-free, I jumped back in.
Then allergy season hit hard. All of the pollen at once. My eyes were swelling shut, I was sneezing and coughing.
Still going.
Then came a bout with strep.
Still going.
Through this, I worked on. I really tried. The doctor gave me a cocktail of medications to enable me to keep working through the semester and to push through the strep and allergies.

At first, the meds worked. I was great, even better than before, but then... everything got worse. I woke up one morning covered in itchy red hives. I started having vertigo, shortness of breath, and a sharp headache.
I went to the doctor again, thinking that I was having a reaction to one of the medications.

She ran a panel of blood tests.

It was a positive for mono.

Now I sit here, sapped of energy and struggling to study. I am blessed I only have one legitimate final, while the rest are just papers and reports.

But I am annoyed at my past self for thinking I was able to handle and do so much.

I'm paying for overdrawing my energy bank now.


But this experience is a perfect learning opportunity.
Through this experience I was reminded that I had been neglecting the biggest and most important thing in my life: my relationship with God.

I was so busy working on things or running around, that I didn't have much more time than for a quick prayer here and there. I started to feel like God didn't care, I started to put God in a box and limit Him to human characteristics and give him human limitations.

Red flag: never put God in a box.

I didn't take time to be still and remember that I'm connected to GOD. 

The most vital part of my being was being repressed. I was spiritually malnourished.

And to what purpose? To have a longer list of human "accomplishment"?

Sure I prayed about the big things in life, but I didn't think God needed to be bothered with the details.

"didn't need to be bothered"?

God is the God of the details.

Matthew 6 popped into my mind:

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

Over the past few months...I hadn't been seeking Him first.

I had to confess I was acting as if my own purposes were all that mattered. I acted as if I had all of the answers and was capable. (though I secretly struggled with the fear I wasn't capable, I wasn't enough. I feared that everyone would see me for what I was. I was worrying)

So while this sickness is a setback, it's also a blessing in that it has put things into perspective. It has pulled me back in to seeking God first and foremost. Because ultimately, everything else will pass away, but His words remain forever.

In the end, it won't matter that I had straight A's or that I received certain honors.
It won't matter what university I attended.
It won't matter how esteemed or famous I am in my field.
It won't even matter what jobs I held.

In the end, all that matters is Christ.

I have nothing else to boast in.

This semester I was putting my hopes all on myself and relying on myself to carry through. My foundation was not what it should have been.

I am resolving to no longer putting my hope in myself, for I'm proving to be weak. It took this semester to really realize how weak I am and how much I need Christ and His strength.

As a Christian, God promises that He'll direct my paths, but He's not going to force my hand. He gives me the free will to trust Him or not.
(tip: it works out better to trust Him)

And this is what I must remember as I strive towards completion of my education and as I continue down the path of life.
All that I have is thanks to God. He opened the doors for me to be in the successful position I am in. He has given me the abilities and talent to succeed. But I cannot allow my own ego to get in the way. I can't forget where all of the good things come from.

And I'll finish this post out with Philippians 3 (I do need to go study, but it feels good to blog):

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

15 All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16 Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

2013 in review -- mostly in pictures.

2013 is going away.

What a year it has been.
I've become a MAJOR nerd. Like, you have no idea how much school is bringing out my quirkiness. All of this intense gaining of knowledge can't be good for one.

While I have largely neglected blogging save to post about the "stresses" of my life (blogging is a lovely outlet) there have been many great things to happen too. I will do a countdown of the interesting/important/not-so-important life events thus far:

I learned to grade essays.

In the spring 2013 semester, I was able to TA for my advisor. (If that doesn't get brownie points, I don't know what will.) It was an interesting experience, especially in what was my second semester at college. I graded ~ 250 papers over the semester and gained a whole new appreciation for teachers everywhere. To give a fair, thoughtful grade requires quite a bit of work, especially when one is grading opinion/persuasive essays. It also allowed me to see what some college kids feel is acceptable. Is there hope for the future?

I fried bugs for 100 students. 

bug stir fry!

I TA-ed for another class the Fall 2013 semester. It was hands-on, lots of demos, and so much fun. It took quite a bit of effort, but I gained a great appreciation for what professors and their TA's do.


I assisted with research projects.

JACKPOT!

Over the summer, I worked with two students on their master's research projects. I learned so much from helping them out with their projects. Before, I didn't really know what went into being a grad student, but this experience made me see that I would probably very much enjoy this sort of thing. 

Dare I say it? ...I'm excited for grad school.

I am finished with Organic Chemistry. 

FOREVER AND EVER. I am so joyful! I was never so glad for a C+ in my life. 

I now have a job in an analytics lab! 
Major nerd excitement.

My bench.

I'm learning to operate one of these:

HPLC machine

I'm learning the science jargon for simple things. I guess it's the way scientists weed out who actually "knows the lingo" because really, the stuff I'm doing isn't terribly complicated. There's something somewhat amusing about attempting to explain what exactly one has been working on in lab. People tend to glaze over and smile politely. I've learned how to communicate my research somewhat simply.

I got this fortune cookie after I had spent all day frustrated in lab: 

It gave me HOPE. 

I will interrupt my list by the realization that most of my major activities for 2013 were academic.

It's a bit depressing that I've dedicated so much time and energy to school. 

I know that this year was one of the most stressful heretofore.  

I had to learn coping strategies.  

I'm learning to deal now by living one day at a time, living in the present moment.

I've whined written plenty about it, let's move on.

 There were other things I did, just let me think…
Ooh! I learned to dance.

I adore dancing. Salsa, swing, shag, waltzing. I wish there was more time for it. So that's something new.

I learned to wait tables.

As silly and simple as that sounds, I had never experienced this sort of exhaustion before. It's not so much the physical exhaustion [though my forearms could potentially rival Popeye's at this point from lifting trays] as it is a mental head game. I am an introvert, so walking up to countless seated strangers, attempting to be likable, and asking what they'd like to eat and try to accommodate their every need (without hovering too much) left me drained at the end of my shifts and zombie-like. When you work for ~$2/hr, you very much hope you do nothing to peeve the customer.
I appreciate good service so much more now.
And over the summer, I gained regular customers! I consider that a win.
I have humorous anecdotes as well from serving. At some point, they'll be relayed.

I went outdoor rock climbing for the first time. 

annnnd I loved it.


I am still trying to learn to play music.

I began to learn the mandolin, and I've been playing my other instruments off and on. Music is so incredibly soothing. Maybe someday I'll play in front of people.

I tried to go on new adventures whenever possible. 

I have gotten so many neat experiences in. 

The longer I sit here dwelling on the past year, the more wonderful times I remember. 

What a fantastic gift life is. 

So here's to 2013. 

Who knows what 2014 will hold? 

Always there will be adventure. 

“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.” 
― G.K. Chesterton

OVERTHINKING

I've not blogged blogged in a while, which saddens me. I wish I could better articulate my experiences, thoughts, and emotions.

But I have a difficult time of it; I have been occupying my mind with other things. Many of them are dull but necessary -- general education courses, ugh. 

Sadly, my brain can only handle so much before it feels saturated with information. When this happens, I want nothing more than to do something mindless (what I am doing right now is veritably mindless. Basically a train of thought without completion...)

 Part of me wishes for the days when I had seemingly endless time to think; then again, when I had room to think, I didn't have the ability to act upon my conclusions. An education will open so many doors.  

However, I enjoy thinking when I can; just having time to sit and ponder. I like marveling at the complexity of the world, the intricacies of life, the WHY.

I've been told I think too much. Is that possible?

Reading is something I love and haven't had much time for. Over thanksgiving break, I read 4 novels over the course of the 3 day break. I hadn't read for fun in ages; I found once I started, I was starving for the written word.

Also, I used to think I was one of the people who was good in the spotlight, who liked attention. I do, but not in the extrovert way. I'm "shy" and I don't understand it.

While I'm good in small groups, I am terrible in front of "crowds". Every time I've been put in front of a group of over 50 people, the floor becomes INCREDIBLY FASCINATING, my knees shake, and my speech increases speed. 

This is something I must overcome.

I've ben realizing I like to observe. I like to be the one behind the camera, the one who gives perspective in my own introverted way. 

Is this an excuse for not participating? 

Probably.

BAH HUMBUG

It's here!

Christmas music.
No.
Please no.

I don't want to hear those tunes, those repetitive songs replayed year after year.

It's like new Christmas music isn't even written anymore. A few songs have come out, almost all of it is the SAME. The same sound, that genre that sounds stuck in the time when synthesizers were just discovered and so OVERUSED.

While I love to remember Christ's birth and God's goodness, I don't WANT to hear songs about white christmases, wanting someone for christmas, or shoes.
Maybe the week before Christmas I'll play some tunes, but not now.

NOT NOW.

Sorry.
Apologies for my tirade. I know multitudes are thrilled it's on the radios.
I have my own music to listen to with earbuds.

defeat?

Yes.
I know I have it good. My cup of blessings are overflowing.

I know I take too much for granted, and that I really have little excuse for this feeling.
My list of responsibility is short.

But life is wearing me down.
I can't do it.
I don't want to.
I feel like a petulant child or a lazy slug.

But maybe that's the point.
I can't keep this up.
I'm filled with dread and defeat. A taste of failure and I feel I've failed at everything.

I need priority.
I need focus.

I need rejuvenation.

I think all of this, all of my feelings of utter inadequacy are to remind me to draw near to my power source, to the one who promises He is with me always, even to the end of the world.
The one who promises that His yoke is easy and His burden light.

The one who reminds me I am to work at things wholeheartedly, as if it is for Him.
The one who tells me I'm even more than a conqueror in Him.  

You'd think I'd learn my lesson and remember that my identity is supposed to be Christ. My power source is Christ.

All things through Him and by Him.

I'm a slow learner.

Fall break 2013

It was Saturday, a day calling for 0% rain, warm weather and a good football game.
It had misted all day. The sky was grey and overcast. My dad and I had attended a football game and were trudging back to my car from the stadium.
To avoid the $20 parking costs, we had parked about 3/4 of a mile away from the arena.

As we walked back from the game, I checked my pockets to fish out my keys.

They weren't there.

No need to panic though.

I checked my purse.

The purse yielded nothing.
I hadn't yet reached full-panic mode. I asked my dad if he had the keys on him, I could have handed them off. It was very possible.

Nothing.

Now I started to worry. We were already halfway to the car, and I had no idea where my keys were. I was just in a stadium milling with thousands of other people. The route we had walked from the car was closed off, so there was no option of retracing my steps.

I hoped against hope that my keys would be near the car, that I had dropped them within a 10 yard radius of the car. As we approached, my mind was racing. When did I have my purse open? At what point could the keys have fallen out?
I spotted my car and ran to it. I peered into the cab. Everything looked normal, no keys in the ignition though. I walked in a spiral pattern around my car, scanning the grass. Dad checked the nearby bushes.
And THERE THEY WERE. Dad had found my keys!

Oh, was I thankful.

It was getting progressively darker out, and still misting. I hurriedly tried unlocking the door.
Nothing.
If it wasn't one thing, it was another. My car is "old" (1997 Chevy Lumina), old enough that it doesn't have a remote to unlock it. In fact, it requires 2 keys: one for the door and one for the ignition. I have no idea why this was a thing back in the day, but it was.
I have had some issues before with unlocking the door.
I tried the door again.
...third time's the charm? Nope.
I tried the passenger side.
My car was being such a bother.
My dad examined the key. The teeth were worn down.
Could it be that the few hours in the elements for a had worn them down completely? Had someone filed down the keys and then put them back in the bushes? ...the mind goes to strange places when one is in a panic.

My dad then tried unlocking all of the doors carefully, trying to make sure the tumbler caught the ridges.
The doors wouldn't budge.
We stood back, bemused.

There aren't many tan '97 Chevy Luminas on the road these days. 

After a second, my dad looked at me.


"Makenzie...this is a LeSabre not a Lumina."

I had just spent a good 5 minutes trying to get into a stranger's car.

I am so glad they didn't walk up while I was trying to get into my their car.



It turns out that my car was 5 cars over.

aaaand unlocked no problem.

Then this morning happened. I rode in the back of a sheriffs car all morning.
Kinda long story, and I haven't the time to type it all out properly.
Soon.

Offering seconds to the girl with the full plate

The plate of my life is full.

I don't want to admit that I am even a little bit stressed out.
I can handle this.
I'm competent.
I refuse to acknowledge that maybe I am/was biting off more than I can chew.

Lately, situations have changed, making me almost feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  
I've been struggling to find a way to process the changes, the new events in my life, the new responsibilities.

I know that everyone at some point has to deal with this. I know I'm not unique in my struggle.

Most peers in college are dealing with the exact same difficulties.
I wonder though: how do they do it? 

My classmates are in the same boat and making it through just fine. I shouldn't be complaining.
At first, I decided to push off the stress and just plow through work. I felt robotic.
I knew eventually, everything would work out and I'd adjust.

And I am only 3 weeks into the semester.  I should be patient. But complete denial wasn't the right approach.

Over the weekend, it became very evident to me that my behaviour was that of a very stressed-out person. Things I was feeling/doing were so counter to my normal self:

I wanted isolation from almost everyone.
I snapped easily; I felt an edginess that was alien.
I felt prone to mood swings.
I couldn't focus and apply my brain.
I started to feel lethargic apathy. 
I would sometimes find myself needing a deep breath, as if I had been holding mine for a while.
I felt that a small event could push me over the precipice emotionally, and that I was set to have a breakdown.

All of these things are not me.
I normally love people. I love interacting with others and making new friends.
It used to take so much to peeve me; my tolerance levels were incredibly high -- all of a sudden it was like my nerves were worn thin.
I was (for a girl, ha) relatively mood-swing free before the semester started.
I am also (usually) highly focused, positive, and energetic.

I'm just beginning to recognize my issue for what it is: stress and anxiety.

I have grown up hearing that Christ tells us not to worry, that each day has enough worries of its own. Christ says I'm worth more than many sparrows, of whom God takes care of completely.
I know these things to be true.
I know I am a child of God and that He has got this. 
But at the same time...applications are difficult.

I'm still processing everything. I still need time to adjust.
I wish I could pause time and I could get used to all of the changes and then everything could pick back up.

Instead of building a time machine, I will probably be taking more time to pray, write, and think. I've found myself the past few days just taking time to sit and be, as cheesy as that seems. Time to just appreciate the beauty of the day. (Though I thought I was having a relaxing happy moment on a park bench beneath a shade tree in a garden last week -- I realized a few dozen bites later that the bench was covered with biting ants! haha)

And I'm going to make a conscious effort to make sure that God is at the center of my life. What else would be the point of living if not for Him?

All this to say, I don't have much figured out.
But that's what growing up is about.
I don't yet have a solid conclusion for this post, because I'm still in process of dealing with change.

But I feel that the recognition of it is a solid first step.

forced rest.

Whenever I am sick, I become incredibly pensive.

...aaand I'm sick.

I'm sitting here with a glazed expression while my mind is churning. This cold has been growing for the past few days, and I've been trying a special method: the method of ignoring it.
...I'm learning quite literally that ignoring a problem doesn't really mean that it goes away. It's just made it worse.

Sickness is almost a blessing in that it forces one to slow down. Stop the madness of the scheduling, the homework, the work.
Stop it all and... lay in bed wishing to feel better.

I'd much prefer I was lazy by choice.

I'm notoriously a "never say no" person:

You need a co-chair? That's totally me. 
You need someone to lead this group? I'm your girl. 
You just need a volunteer for an event? No problem.
You need me to pick up an extra shift? Sure!

I have been realizing the downsides of being the yes girl. I'm realizing that maybe I shouldn't spread myself so thinly over life. But then again, what about carpe diem? What about making the most of every opportunity?

Recently I did turn down an opportunity.
I felt it was a pretty big step. It was hard, because it was an interesting lab and project to help with. I could have maybe squeezed it into my already-full schedule, but I knew if I had taken on the responsibility of being a research assistant in multiple labs, I would be absolutely miserable and I wouldn't do the best job.

I'm already a volunteer for a food science lab and TA-ing.

But wait, there's more!

 I've got a job lined up in October to work on HPLC in a biotechnology lab. And it's going to be a paid position (rare for an undergraduate position). I'm very thankful. So incredibly thankful, and I can't wait to learn and work with all of the shiny expensive equipment. To add to the blessing, it also doesn't start right away, giving me time to get into the rhythm of the semester.


One of my stress-management techniques is list-making. Mapping out the day, the week, the month. There's great comfort in knowing what's ahead. I like to plan and have a general idea of what's going to happen. But sometimes the lists almost hinder and I find myself engulfed in the trenches of the commitments I've made. I feel almost swallowed by the never ending list of to-be-dones, sometimes I lose sight of the meaning of life, the point.

Why am I even here?

What's the point?

Why do all of this?

As a Christian, my goal is Christ. My aim is to serve and please Him.
It is imperative for me to keep this in mind. 
My goal isn't a high GPA (though I strive to do my best).
My goal isn't to be the perfect teacher's assistant.
My goal isn't to be successful in the research/academic world. Or to be the ideal student/worker/human.
My goal isn't to just have fun while I can.

It's to live each day as it comes.

To live each day is to rest in the security that God won't give me more than He can handle and that He will give me the strength and discernment to get through all of this.
It's to delight in the blessings He gives -- be they big or small.
It's to appreciate the opportunities I have and grow to know God better.

I have a hard time keeping some of this in mind when I'm struggling with oligosaccharide chemistry and benzene ring EAS.

I write this post out to remind myself.
I need reminders that there's so much more than the present, but that I'm also supposed to live in the present.

I have much to update this blog with, but though I am sick, I have a stack of homework with my name and impending due dates. What joy!

Summer? Don't go!

People ask how my summer is going.

My initial thought (because I am a literalist) is that it's going much too quickly.

Already it's halfway through July, and I have a little over one month until school starts back.

One. Month.

At the end of the spring semester, I had a great many things I wanted to accomplish over the summer. And as I look at my checklist, I'm disappointed by the myriad of things I haven't done. 

But let's focus on the positives. Things I have done. 

At the end of the semester, I went on a little job hunt.

I was concerned about finding someplace to work.
I felt the definition of daunted.

When starting a job hunt, it seems like there are endless closed doors and yet at the same time, endless options.

Financial needs were starting to press in.  Then I had two car accidents. TWO within a few weeks of each other.

(I'm fine and the other drivers are fine, thank God! They were just annoying fender benders)

...it's a long story.  Let's just say that sometimes drivers don't know what a stop sign is, and they end up running it.

Running it straight into your front bumper. Oh yeah.


I was overwhelmed, but I felt very much that I needed to get a job.

Let me just plug in here that God is so good. Not to sound like a Holy Roller or anything, but there is such peace in knowing that I can just trust and not rely on my own strength.
I trust that He's going to open the doors and always make the right things work out. So I brought the request to Him. I prayed about applying to the right places. There were endless options, but soon it narrowed down to just two places.

One was a locally owned business, the other a corporate chain.
Both were restaurants. I figured I should try out the waitressing gig to see how I'd do. I've also heard that through such a job, one learns important life skills.
I worked in fast food in high school (excuse me, "quick service restaurant") and retail (yes, through Christmas. I have seen the horror that is Black Friday). Both jobs imparted some important life lessons.

Once I felt sure that these two options were to be pursued, I initiated the application process.

The corporate chain had me fill out hours worth of online personality surveys and paperwork -- just to see if I could get an interview. I did my duty, and a few days later got a generated email (you know, the kind with, "[insert name here], congratulations!") telling me I could proceed to the next step. ...step 2 of 40, or so it felt. By the time the email came, I already had a job.

After doing the surveys, I called the local place. They had me come in to interview that day. After talking to the owner for a few minutes, I was offered a job.

The decision seemed pretty cut and dry to me.

I understand that corporate chains are huge and that they have to have consistency in the hiring process. They can't just say, "you seem like a good person for the job, I trust your character, how about you come in to train and we'll see how it goes?"

I get that.
But I prefer the sort of work environment that's a bit more relaxed and trusting of human integrity. Also, my boss told me straight off, "I know you're a college student, so just let me know whenever you need off. Exams, homework, whatever it is school-related. I'm very understanding of that." 
How fantastic is that?
SO FANTASTIC.

I feel it makes for less stress and there's also the bonus of knowing that I'm working for a local business and not a huge chain with headquarters in some distant city. 

Waiting tables did have a learning curve.
From an outsider perspective, it doesn't seem like a terribly difficult task. Okay, it does.  I've had enough bad waitresses to know that there is some skill set required.

As I've worked, I am realizing all of the little details and thoughts that go into serving each table and creating a pleasant environment and experience for customers. My multitasking and hospitality skills are increasing, which is definitely good.

I find that while I usually come home drained, I love this sort of work. I doubt that I would make it my career, but it's a really great college job.

I'm very thankful.

Also this summer, since I would list off what I have done as opposed to beating myself up about not doing things, I've been assisting some great grad students in the Food Science Department. It's a wonderful opportunity to have some hands-on experience as well as see what it would be like to be a grad student. The two I'm working with are fantastic mentors.

Besides those two main things, I fill up the rest of my time with little hobbies. Running is something I've posted about often, but I've hit a sort of wall with it. I'm not sure why. I'm starting a new training regimen, and hopefully it pays off with increased stamina and improved form.

I'd go on typing, but the sun is out.
THE SUN IS OUT.
It has been raining and storming for the past few weeks almost every day.
I'd better take advantage of this sun.
...as soon as my headache leaves. It's a bit brutal; it feels like my brain wants to push out of my skull. Maybe my ego needs deflating. I don't know.


If you've read this far, you're most likely a wonderful person, or you're very bored.

Either way, I commend you.

If you're bored and don't want to move, watch Raising Hope, Pushing Daisies, Psych, Monk, Doctor Who, or Sherlock. Any of those are fantastic TV shows.

If you're bored but want to move around, go rock climbing. How I miss that sport.
Or go for a nature walk and bring a camera. You never know what small beauties you'll see. Cameras encourage you to notice small details.
And to reward you for reading SO far, here are some pictures I got with my phone camera while out for such walks.

Segway.

In the past months, I've had many false starts on posts.

I sit, begin to type...


...and then my train of thought just fizzles out. I lose motivation so I give up.

I know that no one wants to read halfhearted writing. As a past paper-grading TA, I know the feeling very well now. [Though you aren't reading this to grade it, right? Hey, judgement-free zone.]

Now it's not as if I have a wide readership or anything (Hi Mom and three fantabulous people who read this!) however, the times I HAVE received fantastic feedback on posts have been the times when I have a odd nagging desire to just type the words out.
It's like the words ache to be written. ...I can't explain it without sounding loony.


Anyways, back on point: I just don't know what direction to take this blog.
It is so jumbled, so hodgepodge, it faces such an identity crisis. It fits into no nice little genre, save perhaps the idea that it's my thoughts typed out for an audience I can't see.



As I've considered moving the blog, revamping the blog, etc. (but never deleting it. NEVER) I've realized that this blog is a beautifully messy thing. It is a prime indicator of my growth over the past four (has it been that long?) years. It's a collaborative collage of the events of my life.

I think I am going to try to bring back more frequent blog posts. They're gloriously cathartic.

I'm not going to push them off on people too terribly much. Only if I think it's potentially a valid point will I say on facebook or twitter:

"Hey lookit! You guys, I wrote stuff! *insert link here*"

I do enough shameless plugging as it is.

But rather I shall just write for writing's sake. I write because in reading back through my posts I'm reminded of who I was, who I am, and who I hope to be. This is accessible anytime, anywhere by anyone (anyone with my URL and an ability to sift through long posts, that is)
 
Anyways, here's to reignition!

Cheers,

M

Taking the Credit?

I rarely ever am angry.
I am typically good at taking a step back, observing the situation, and logically calming down.

Yesterday, something happened that made me boil.
I knew I was going to erupt.
I haven't been so angry in ages. The feeling was strong. Even thinking back on it, I can feel my blood pressure rise.

It isn't so much what happened as what was conveyed by the actions.

This picture:

It's a puddle I inverted and added a filter to. It gave me joy.

I have a "friend".
He hurt me a few years ago by abruptly ending our friendship.
We were pretty great buddies, or so I thought.
We were even kinda "dating".

One day I got a phone call saying, "We can't date anymore. We can't even be friends anymore."

and that was all.


It was strange.
I was incredibly hurt.
I was angry, but mostly hurt. I trusted this guy.

In the following months, I learned real application of forgiveness.

After a few months, he apologized and we were moving forward in being amicable; we even became facebook friends again.  A small step, but a good sign.

As I type, I realize that this may all sound small and petty.
Life is so much greater and bigger than one little relationship and hurtful actions.
It amazes me that little things can make such a huge difference. I don't understand why my emotions are so strong.

Flash forward: on Friday I went out for a run -- it was glorious.
I came across a beautiful puddle.
I love puddles.
I took a picture with my phone, rotated it, added a filter, and texted it to some friends. I sent the before and after, to give some perspective.

That picture up above? That's the picture.
It made me happy, and getting positive comments from friends that it made them happy too was wonderful.

One friend, (you know that one who had hurt me), said it should go on reddit.
I didn't realize he was going to post it as me.
Yesterday, during a break at work (tangent: I have a job! It's hard work, and inconsistent scheduling every so often, but it's a good job) I asked if he had actually posted it. He had. So I asked for the link.

Amazingly, he had the brazeness to send it to me.

I read the title.

I took a photo of a puddle and it looks like the cosmos is showing through. by Palivizumab 

Instantly I thought, "oh DID you now?" (you can click the link above to see for yourself)

The picture had lots of wonderful positive comments.

He took the glory. 

He had the audacity to even post the before picture and detail the steps he had taken to edit it. 

  

I believe that credit should be given where it is due. 

I didn't know that I cared so much.

And I'm realizing that it isn't so much the credit-stealing as it is what is conveyed by the action.

I didn't know I would feel so violated. 

While I know that what comes around goes around, truth surfaces, and it's just one little thing, inconsequential really, in the grand scale of things...

it really really hurts me. 

Doubly so because I have a not-so-pleasant history with this guy and we were just starting to be amicable. It's like all of those old hurt feelings I had worked through are resurfacing.

By posting the picture like he had taken it, he was saying, "I am not concerned with your feelings, your ability, your work." 

It is something I would think that he would understand. 

He's trying to do art, so he better than anyone would know how he would feel about someone taking credit for a drawing he did. 

So how am I dealing with it? 

By blogging about it. 

It won't do any real good but typing out my emotions is cathartic.

My instant human reaction is to cut all ties, to rant.

But now I ask myself: is that the right course of action? 

I know it isn't, and it's a struggle to fight against this instant emotion. I rarely feel such strong anger.

I expressed my hurt and concern to the guy.

He has apologized. 

He deleted the post. 

And I suppose that there isn't anything else to be done but to forgive.

But I still have these residual emotions to work through. It seems so pat and simple in sunday school. 

"If someone does something mean, forgive." 

The application is hard.

I know I have to surrender this emotion to God. 

I know once I do, I'll feel so much better. 

When I leave things in God's hands, He always takes it and works it all out for good.

I know that God is in control. 

By holding on to my hurt, by indulging in my feelings, I am not acknowledging He has got this. 

I need to realize that this is an opportunity. An opportunity for a real-life (albeit small) application of my faith.

Turning the other cheek is such a hard lesson to learn.