Saturday, April 27, 2013

Power Struggles

Almost a month since my last posting!

If I keep this up, all of my posts will be me apologizing or fussing about how little I post!

 So.

Instead, I'm going to write an update.

This blog, among other things, actually helps to keep me accountable. Something about writing out and processing what I'm going through and what I've learned is incredibly therapeutic.

Well what is new for me?

College.

I have learned some important life lessons through all of this.

This time last year, I was in Burundi (link to my travel blog! Shameless plug). I was totally reliant on God for everything. I was spiritually growing, my faith was strong.

I will say that trip was one of the most joyful times in my life so far.

I knew that where I was was exactly where God wanted me. I saw Him work again and again. When I prayed, He answered. Not only that, but His answer was above and beyond what I could imagine.

I experienced a freedom to serve Him wholly, without reservations.

Coming back to the USA, I've slowly become a slave of society again. I've slowly slipped into a self-reliant mentality...

It's worrisome.

I worry about being politically correct and sensitive.
I worry about trying to be the absolute best I can be.
I worry about making good impressions.
I worry about never saying no to opportunities and being socially active.

I feel that I need to do everything possible to boost my resume, network, and get that GPA up...
I've started to rely on my own power.

I'm borderline type A.

And guess what?

My own power??

It sucks out loud.

It's PUNY. It's ineffective.

In my own power, I stress out about what decisions to make.  I only have so many hours in the day!
I over-commit and try to be a super-woman. I want to please everyone. I inevitably become a doormat.
My health and mental-well being suffers.

In God's power, I know He will open all of the right doors at just the right time. He will provide for every need, and He ALWAYS goes above and beyond in blessing me.

In God's power, figuring out what to commit to is a non-issue. When I trust that He will take care of everything, I have peace and joy and the energy to do what needs to be done.

In my own power, I become easily insecure. I fret about image and appearance. Because of course, I need the approval of others. I want to be wanted and needed, but I fight the feeling that I'm really quite useless.

In God's power, I have approval. I have His unfailing and inexhaustible love. I don't have to seek out approval for my personal image, I'm secure in Him.
He gives me purpose.

It all boils down to my need to have some sort of control or power. I am realizing I can't be the one in control. It's impossible.

When I'm relying on Him, He's in control of the entire situation. There is no possible way that I can be in control of every variable, but He can.

The past few weeks I have increasingly been relying in my own power and I have been seeing how weak it really is. I have been stressed to the max.

Giving the control over to God is the best feeling.

I can't tell you how the stress has melted and how much peace I now feel.

The difference in the effectiveness of my power vs God's is like the difference between using a glowstick and an LED floodlight to light a trail in the darkness.


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