Monday, May 13, 2013

Taking the Credit?

I rarely ever am angry.
I am typically good at taking a step back, observing the situation, and logically calming down.

Yesterday, something happened that made me boil.
I knew I was going to erupt.
I haven't been so angry in ages. The feeling was strong. Even thinking back on it, I can feel my blood pressure rise.

It isn't so much what happened as what was conveyed by the actions.

This picture:
It's a puddle I inverted and added a filter to. It gave me joy.


I have a "friend".
He hurt me a few years ago by abruptly ending our friendship.
We were pretty great buddies, or so I thought.
We were even kinda "dating".

One day I got a phone call saying, "We can't date anymore. We can't even be friends anymore."

and that was all.


It was strange.
I was incredibly hurt.
I was angry, but mostly hurt. I trusted this guy.

In the following months, I learned real application of forgiveness.

After a few months, he apologized and we were moving forward in being amicable; we even became facebook friends again.  A small step, but a good sign.

As I type, I realize that this may all sound small and petty.
Life is so much greater and bigger than one little relationship and hurtful actions.
It amazes me that little things can make such a huge difference. I don't understand why my emotions are so strong.

Flash forward: on Friday I went out for a run -- it was glorious.
I came across a beautiful puddle.
I love puddles.
I took a picture with my phone, rotated it, added a filter, and texted it to some friends. I sent the before and after, to give some perspective.

That picture up above? That's the picture.
It made me happy, and getting positive comments from friends that it made them happy too was wonderful.

One friend, (you know that one who had hurt me), said it should go on reddit.
I didn't realize he was going to post it as me.
Yesterday, during a break at work (tangent: I have a job! It's hard work, and inconsistent scheduling every so often, but it's a good job) I asked if he had actually posted it. He had. So I asked for the link.

Amazingly, he had the brazeness to send it to me.

I read the title.


Instantly I thought, "oh DID you now?" (you can click the link above to see for yourself)

The picture had lots of wonderful positive comments.

He took the glory. 

He had the audacity to even post the before picture and detail the steps he had taken to edit it. 
  
I believe that credit should be given where it is due. 
I didn't know that I cared so much.

And I'm realizing that it isn't so much the credit-stealing as it is what is conveyed by the action.
I didn't know I would feel so violated. 

While I know that what comes around goes around, truth surfaces, and it's just one little thing, inconsequential really, in the grand scale of things...

it really really hurts me. 
Doubly so because I have a not-so-pleasant history with this guy and we were just starting to be amicable. It's like all of those old hurt feelings I had worked through are resurfacing.

By posting the picture like he had taken it, he was saying, "I am not concerned with your feelings, your ability, your work." 
It is something I would think that he would understand. 

He's trying to do art, so he better than anyone would know how he would feel about someone taking credit for a drawing he did. 

So how am I dealing with it? 
By blogging about it. 

It won't do any real good but typing out my emotions is cathartic.

My instant human reaction is to cut all ties, to rant.

But now I ask myself: is that the right course of action? 

I know it isn't, and it's a struggle to fight against this instant emotion. I rarely feel such strong anger.

I expressed my hurt and concern to the guy.
He has apologized. 
He deleted the post. 

And I suppose that there isn't anything else to be done but to forgive.

But I still have these residual emotions to work through. It seems so pat and simple in sunday school. 
"If someone does something mean, forgive." 

The application is hard.

I know I have to surrender this emotion to God. 
I know once I do, I'll feel so much better. 
When I leave things in God's hands, He always takes it and works it all out for good.

I know that God is in control. 

By holding on to my hurt, by indulging in my feelings, I am not acknowledging He has got this

I need to realize that this is an opportunity. An opportunity for a real-life (albeit small) application of my faith.

Turning the other cheek is such a hard lesson to learn.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

reflective

Sweet freedom.

As I reflect on the past few months, I realize how utterly burnt out I feel.
Not only about school, but at this point, almost about most life.

As I was walking to my final final this morning, it was drizzling rain. Bleary-eyed, I trudged through the mist; I looked up and around.

The clouds were parted just so. I could see the slightest glimpse of brilliant, glorious blue.
That fragment was somehow a source of joy and hope. A reminder that I was almost there. A reminder that above the day-to-day grind of life, there is so much more going on.


I am weary.
Life is always progressing and moving forward, which I am thankful for.
Every day is an adventure, which I love.
...but at the same time.
I would like some time to simply be.
 This is how I know I am an introvert: I require solitude. I love people, don't misunderstand.

My mind craves to have no real planned events, to ponder anything and everything -- my mind is very full.
It needs time to gear down and unwind.
It needs to write creatively.
It needs to read.
It needs to learn new music.
It needs to be utterly silly.

My body needs to run, to dance, to rock climb.
I am thankful for a school break.  A break from writing pompous-sounding papers, a break from memorizing facts, a break from following rubrics.

I love that I am blessed with higher education, and when I am recharged, I cannot wait to return and gain more knowledge.
My parents did a good job in instilling a love of learning.
But for now, I am glad to have some not-school time.

Sweet freedom.
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